I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
I have feelings that need drinking.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
