Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
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