dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
