Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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