did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
Just invented taco cereal.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
