did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
