Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Randomize