No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
