Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
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