my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
