The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
