when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
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