so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
