I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
Basic items
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
