Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
40s are totally the cure
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
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