i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
time to smoke my breakfast
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Randomize
