Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
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