i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
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