There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
i now understand why vodka
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
