Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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