I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
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