Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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