The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
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