Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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