wrigley field is MILF paradise
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Randomize
