Kareoke will never be a sober sport
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Randomize
