i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
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