I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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