Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.