I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
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