So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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