i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
