She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize
