I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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