My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
