Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
