Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Randomize
