3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
