I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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