Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
