note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Randomize
