life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I could have mohawked her pubes.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Randomize
