Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
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