so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
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