A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
