Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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