I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
