Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
why do cheetos always look like penises
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
My ATM looks so different sober.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
