Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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