I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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