Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
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