Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
