I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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