I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Randomize
