remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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