Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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