i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
Randomize
