not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Randomize
